As pointless as

I have always liked the framework ‘as X as Y’, where X is an attribute and Y is an object. As white as the moon, as bright as the sun. But this creates a problem. A lot of time is wasted trying to find the most appropriate Y for an X. The other day I was talking to a friend about the meaning of life. There is a reason such conversations usually happen late in the night when you’re drunk and dizzy with sleep. Unless you are physically unable to carry on, these chats never end. I, unfortunately, had it in the morning when I had the entire day ready to bang my head with its to-do list. On top of it, the conversation tailed off with I not being able to find the most appropriate Y for the attribute ‘pointless’. I said as pointless as…and got lost. I must have made at least ten attempts but all I could come up with was a string of ‘umms’ followed by helpless sighs of submission. My friend tried to contribute by saying, ‘if you go on like this I’ll have to say as pointless as this conversation, haha’. At this point I turned around and started walking home resolving never to speak to this cliche-vomiting ass of a person I considered my friend. But he did have a point and it irked me. This is how the search began for the perfect metaphor for ‘pointless’.

There was, of course, the good old existential crap of calling ‘life’ pointless. But a good metaphor should not just be true but also ring true to the majority. The phrase ‘as pointless as life’ would not ring true to anyone I know as people around me seem to be driven by some purpose. Purpose lends meaning to life and how could something with a meaning be pointless. Take my friend I had just parted with. His life can’t be called pointless because he has a specific purpose that drives him - find excuses to get piss drunk, pass out, and hope not to wake up sober.

So, ‘life’ was out. I started scanning for things around me to call pointless. I was sure to find something on my way home that would just be there without serving any purpose. Here’s a list of things I considered and rejected -

A stinky lake - it seemed pointless until I saw the line of water trucks filling their tanks with the stinky lake water. These trucks will deliver water to the nearby residential societies. How could the lake be pointless if it is the source of water?

A liquor shop - something that attacks the livers of the most heinous creature on earth can’t be pointless.

A board that says ‘please clean up your dog’s poop’ - it’s a warning sign that the road will be full of dog-turd. Anything that saves you from landing into literal shit can never be pointless.

A gym - when I stumbled upon a gym on my way I thought I'd cracked it. As pointless as a gym. But I could imagine a gym-body getting offended by this and beating me up for calling his whole life pointless. I am a meek little ageing creature. I can’t risk adding a bleeding nose to my already growing list of maladies.

By the time I realised that ‘as pointless as a gym’ won’t cut it, I was already home. There were other options I could have examined - an Udupi restaurant, a mobile phone shop, a series of residential buildings, a breakfast joint, an auto-rickshaw stand, a cafe, a chai-tapri, a clinic, an empty plot, electricity poles and wires and so on. Only the auto-rickshaw stand seemed to be a good contender because the auto-wallahs quote fares so hefty that very few dare approach them. Which would render them pointless but I have heard about people who do pay ten times the normal fare to commute. So, the auto rickshaw stands are not pointless to them.

I grew tired of this thought. I had to start getting ready for the office but I could not let this be unresolved. There I was sitting on my sofa, squeezing a smiley ball hoping to relieve my nerves. I had only one minute left before the clock would tick to eight o’clock and I would have to carry this burden of unresolved conversation to the office. I threw the smiley ball in frustration and that’s when it struck me. I immediately called up my friend and said, ‘Smiley balls. As pointless as smiley balls. You see, what can be more pointless than a light-weight spherical object that serves no purpose whatsoever?’. He said, ‘the spherical point is fine but smiley balls do have a purpose. I use them to make my one year old bawling kid shut up. Works wonders. I just throw the ball at him when he starts crying. You can’t call it useless’.

I cut the call before he could give me a dose of another cliche. I got convinced that my search would never end. Since I had to go to the office, I settled with ‘as pointless as the pursuit of a perfect metaphor for pointless’. But I am sure there is something out there, waiting to be pounced upon by curious minds like mine that would serve as the perfect metaphor for ‘pointless’. I hope I find that ‘something’ soon.